I have moved the blog to a new location, because I hate this interface with the passion of a thousand hell-hounds.
See you there. :)
Tuesday 19 August 2014
Saturday 9 March 2013
My Top 10 Favorite Birds.
Wow, I haven't updated this blog since last Christmas. Time for a new post.
Well, I've been learning a lot about birds lately, so how about a top 10 list of my favorite birds?
Birds are cool. I know we tend to overlook birds in favor of our fellow mammals, and they never really interested me much as a kid, but now I think they're really cool, and as you will see, sometimes really badass and scary. I have a somewhat morbid fascination with animals that could potentially maim or kill me. Remember: birds are the dinosaurs that SURVIVED THE EXTINCTION EVENT THAT KILLED T. REX. And sometimes I can't decide if they still rule the world, or are trying to take it back by force from us upstart mammals. Oh, and everyone who thinks feathered dinosaurs are lame, well, see how you feel at the end.
I always have a hard time picking favorite animals, so I may or may not change my mind about the order I put these in, but I'll try to narrow it down. So, with out further ado, here's my Top 10 Favorite Birds.
10: The Emperor Penguin
Aptenodytes forsteri
All penguins are cool, but Emperors stand out not only for their resilience (they migrate every year over miles of inhospitable wasteland to breed in the harshest place on earth), but for the fact that they (unlike their smaller, coastal-dwelling cousins) actually care about each other! Breeding colonies of Emperors will huddle together against the cold, and traveling groups will take frequent rest stops to allow stragglers to catch up.
But just because they aren't as aggressive as their cousins doesn't mean Emperors can't put up a fight. They weigh half as much as a human male, and in one case, a crew of six men, trying to capture a single male penguin for a zoo collection, were repeatedly tossed around and knocked over before all of the men had to collectively tackle the bird.
You go, Emperor Penguin. You are an inspiration to all of us.
9: The Shoebill
Balaeniceps rex
Shoebills will eat anything they can catch, including baby crocodiles, waterfowl, small mammals, and even turtles!
They are also the only bird that is occasionally quadrupedal; using it's wings to push itself off the ground after lunging for prey.
B. rex is also the only bird in history known to have perfected the "Kubrick Stare".
8: Great Blue Heron
Ardea herodias
I think all herons are cool, but the Great Blue is most familiar to me, so that is the species I have chosen to include here. Herons are well-known to be fish-eaters, but what many people don't realize is that, like the Shoebill, they are opportunistic predators, that will eat anything they can swallow, including ducklings, and small mammals as big as rabbits! As someone who was once bitten by a rabbit that I was trying to feed, I think that's pretty cool.
7:Ground Hornbills
Bucorvus sp.
These ground-living birds are capable hunters, killing all kinds of creatures including insects, snakes, other birds, amphibians and even tortoises. They live in the savannahs of Africa, exactly where the family groups of early humans lived, walking around and eating much the same things. They also have a wide field of binocular vision (rare in birds, but again, in common with humans) that allows them to see precisely what they are doing with their beaks. Also like humans, Ground Hornbills are descended from tree-dwelling ancestors. So, sorry Dale Russel. Your "Weirdo Goof" Dinosauroid isn't going to cut it. This is about as humanoid as dinosaurs get.
6: The Golden Eagle
Aquila chrysaetos
The Mongols (a nation of badasses if there ever was one) have managed to harness the sheer badassery of the Golden Eagle, and have trained them to hunt wolves!
If there is anything in any way disappointing about the Golden Eagle, it's the noises it makes. You know that iconic eagle scream you hear in movies? Turns out it's actually the call of a Red-tailed Hawk. Actual eagle vocalizations are rather unimpressive chirpy sounds.
Oh well. They're still awesome. If I was being attacked by one at high altitudes, I wouldn't care what noises it was making, would you?
5: The Great Tit
Parus major
Before you even ask; no, I am definitely not including them here for the name. I will try to keep comments about the name to a minimum.
Great Tits are cute little birds that eat mostly insects and seeds. They use their fairly powerful beak to break into hazelnuts and acorns (and other things, but we'll get to that later). They are also tool-users, reported on occasion to use conifer needles to winkle insect larvae out of bark.
Oh, and they also happen to be totally badass. And scary as all Hell.
Great Tits have been known to raid nesting boxes and kill the inhabitants to make way for their own nests, feed on hanged human corpses, and perhaps most horrifically; use their powerful beaks to crush the skulls of (and even decapitate) other birds, and bats to eat their brains! A behavior that has earned them the nickname "Zombie Tits". And indeed, genetically-modified giant Great tits would make for excellent biological warfare against zombies. That is, until they inevitably turned on us!
Make note of this, Hollywood. Any movie with a title like "Giant Great Tits vs Zombies" is sure to be a success.
Now for something completely different...
4: The Grey Jay
Perisoreus canadensis
The Grey Jay or Whiskey Jack is a member of the family Corvidae found in the boreal forests across North America north to the tree-line and in subalpine forests of the Rocky Mountains south to New Mexico and Arizona. Grey Jays are my favorite part of hiking/camping in the mountains. Unlike many previous birds on this list, they don't do anything particularly disturbing (okay, they prey on defenseless nestling birds, but let's not count that). In fact, these birds are so tame, they will eat right out of your hand, making it very easy to trick naive tourists, and some uninformed locals into think that you are some kind of mystical nature guru.
What else can I say? The Grey Jay is just one of those things that make me glad to live in Canada.
3: Cassowaries
Casuarius sp.
The Cassowary is just one of those Australian animals that will try to kill you on sight. It is also, in my opinion, the most beautiful ratite to look at. In a weird Jurassic Park sort of way, that is. Oh, and did I mention it can kill you?
The Cassowary is the world's most dangerous bird. The inner or second of the bird's three toes is fitted with a dagger-like claw that can reportedly sever arms and eviscerate abdomens! There are even reports of them cutting open car doors!
Though, actual deaths by Cassowary attack are rare, one unfortunate story tells of two teenage boys who tried to beat a Cassowary to death with sticks (bad idea). The bird kicked the older boy in the neck, opening a 1.25 cm (0.49 in) wound which may have severed his carotid artery. The boy managed to escape, but died shortly afterwards as a result of his injuries.
Not only does the Cassowary look and behave like something from Jurassic Park, but in fact ratites are the closest living relatives of Velociraptor!
2: Crows.
Corvus sp.
A crow is any member of the genus Corvus, including the species that we call ravens an jackdaws. Crows are so common, that we often take them for granted, but these are truly remarkable birds! The most remarkable thing about them being their intelligence. You know how I mentioned that Great Tits use tools? Well, crows can actually make their own tools! They have been observed (and filmed! See below) bending wires and twigs into hooks to reach food, a problem-solving ability that puts them on par with some primates!
Their intelligence has a playful, mischievous side. They seem to enjoy pulling the tails of larger animals.
They also have a sadistic side, and will use their intelligence to mess with stupider animals, like these cats.
And, like most bird on this list, crows have a very well-defined badass streak. They are well-known to mob, and even kill large birds of prey like owls.
Intelligent, manipulative, and all around badass. No wonder the ancient Norsemen used a crow (specifically Corvus corax) as the bird symbol of Odin.
Oh, and back to the topic of birds of prey, we now come to my Number One Favorite Bird... *drum roll*
1: The Lammergeier
Gypaetus barbatus
The Lammergeier, or Bearded Vulture is my go-to bird for when people complain about feathered dinosaurs. I mean just look at this thing! This has to be one of the most impressive-looking birds, no, one of the most impressive looking animals I have ever seen! There is not a single picture of the Lammergeier available on the Internet that is anything short of breath-taking!
The Lammergeier resembles something designed for a fantasy film, right down to it's diet. It lives almost entirely on bones, which it breaks into fist-sized chunks that are dissolved in stomach juices as strong as an acid bath! Just watch this video:
The Lammergeier is also one of those birds that can potentially kill you. There are reports of them driving large animals (including humans!) off cliffs, so they can EAT THE MARROW IN THEIR BONES!!!
Don't like feathered dinosaurs? Well, the Lammergeier has a bone to pick with you!
I am so sorry about that joke, Lammergeier. Please don't kill me!
In summary: I think the Bearded Vulture is beautiful! Even that sentence is impressive! Who would have thought a vulture could be beautiful!
So, that's my top 10 favorite birds. Honorable mention goes to the Secretary Bird, chickens (yes, I think chickens are cool), the owl and parrot clades, and any other awesome birds that were left out.
At this point, if you still think feathered dinosaurs are lame, I will feed you to the Giant Great Tits.
Untill next time, I'm Connor Lachmanec, and this is just my opinion.
Yeah, I might want to work on that catchphrase.
Well, I've been learning a lot about birds lately, so how about a top 10 list of my favorite birds?
Birds are cool. I know we tend to overlook birds in favor of our fellow mammals, and they never really interested me much as a kid, but now I think they're really cool, and as you will see, sometimes really badass and scary. I have a somewhat morbid fascination with animals that could potentially maim or kill me. Remember: birds are the dinosaurs that SURVIVED THE EXTINCTION EVENT THAT KILLED T. REX. And sometimes I can't decide if they still rule the world, or are trying to take it back by force from us upstart mammals. Oh, and everyone who thinks feathered dinosaurs are lame, well, see how you feel at the end.
I always have a hard time picking favorite animals, so I may or may not change my mind about the order I put these in, but I'll try to narrow it down. So, with out further ado, here's my Top 10 Favorite Birds.
10: The Emperor Penguin
Aptenodytes forsteri
All penguins are cool, but Emperors stand out not only for their resilience (they migrate every year over miles of inhospitable wasteland to breed in the harshest place on earth), but for the fact that they (unlike their smaller, coastal-dwelling cousins) actually care about each other! Breeding colonies of Emperors will huddle together against the cold, and traveling groups will take frequent rest stops to allow stragglers to catch up.
But just because they aren't as aggressive as their cousins doesn't mean Emperors can't put up a fight. They weigh half as much as a human male, and in one case, a crew of six men, trying to capture a single male penguin for a zoo collection, were repeatedly tossed around and knocked over before all of the men had to collectively tackle the bird.
 |
| Enjoy the cuteness while it lasts. This list gets scary. |
You go, Emperor Penguin. You are an inspiration to all of us.
9: The Shoebill
Balaeniceps rex
 |
| This is where it starts to get scary. You have been warned. |
The Shoebill (also nicknamed "B. rex") is a stork-like bird from the swamps of eastern Africa. This bird has to be one of the strangest-looking birds I have ever seen. It reminds me of a phorusrhacid, or a Dr. Seuss character. Or both. It's also one of the more sinister-looking birds. If there was a Shoebill in an animated film, it would be voiced by Tim Curry. This exotic bird is so unusual, that scientists have a hard time classifying it. Traditionally, it was classified along with herons and storks in the order Ciconiiformes, but recently some authorities have reclassified it in the order Pelecaniformes.
Shoebills will eat anything they can catch, including baby crocodiles, waterfowl, small mammals, and even turtles!
 |
| Alright, kids. Time for your daily dose of Nightmare Fuel. |
B. rex is also the only bird in history known to have perfected the "Kubrick Stare".
 |
| "Evening, Commissionerrr!" |
8: Great Blue Heron
Ardea herodias
I think all herons are cool, but the Great Blue is most familiar to me, so that is the species I have chosen to include here. Herons are well-known to be fish-eaters, but what many people don't realize is that, like the Shoebill, they are opportunistic predators, that will eat anything they can swallow, including ducklings, and small mammals as big as rabbits! As someone who was once bitten by a rabbit that I was trying to feed, I think that's pretty cool.
 |
| Couldn't find a video, sorry. The closest thing I found to a video was one of those awful Youtube slide-shows with obnoxious music. You would thank me for not posting it. |
7:Ground Hornbills
Bucorvus sp.
 |
| "This is the Morning Report." |
There are two species of Ground Hornbill (Bucorvinae): The Southern Ground Hornbill ( Bucorvus leadbeateri), and the Abyssinian Ground Hornbill (Bucorvus abyssinicus). In recent years, it has been pointed out that Ground Hornbills are somewhat analogous to hominids. They live long lives - up to 70 years - and form families consisting of a breeding couple and their offspring. The older siblings help raising the younger, and are actually incapable of breeding without years of experience as a helper. An average family group only breeds once every three years, and manages to raise a chick to adulthood every nine years, which makes them extremely slow breeders by any standards.
These ground-living birds are capable hunters, killing all kinds of creatures including insects, snakes, other birds, amphibians and even tortoises. They live in the savannahs of Africa, exactly where the family groups of early humans lived, walking around and eating much the same things. They also have a wide field of binocular vision (rare in birds, but again, in common with humans) that allows them to see precisely what they are doing with their beaks. Also like humans, Ground Hornbills are descended from tree-dwelling ancestors. So, sorry Dale Russel. Your "Weirdo Goof" Dinosauroid isn't going to cut it. This is about as humanoid as dinosaurs get.
6: The Golden Eagle
Aquila chrysaetos
 |
| "This bird Jupiter is thought first to have singled out from the tribe of birds, because it alone, men say, strives to fly straight into the rays of the rising sun." |
The ancient Greeks and Romans used the Golden Eagle as a symbol of their principle deities Zeus and Jupiter, and it's not hard to see why! Golden Eagles are totally badass. They're well-known to be predators of small animals, but they will also occasionally go for bigger game including full-grown ungulates! These animals are too heavy for the eagles to carry, so they merely drag them off the edge of cliffs, and let them die on impact! There are even reports of them attempting to do this to humans!
The Mongols (a nation of badasses if there ever was one) have managed to harness the sheer badassery of the Golden Eagle, and have trained them to hunt wolves!
If there is anything in any way disappointing about the Golden Eagle, it's the noises it makes. You know that iconic eagle scream you hear in movies? Turns out it's actually the call of a Red-tailed Hawk. Actual eagle vocalizations are rather unimpressive chirpy sounds.
Oh well. They're still awesome. If I was being attacked by one at high altitudes, I wouldn't care what noises it was making, would you?
5: The Great Tit
Parus major
 |
| Great Tits fight dirty. Please don't take that out of context. |
Great Tits are cute little birds that eat mostly insects and seeds. They use their fairly powerful beak to break into hazelnuts and acorns (and other things, but we'll get to that later). They are also tool-users, reported on occasion to use conifer needles to winkle insect larvae out of bark.
Oh, and they also happen to be totally badass. And scary as all Hell.
 |
| Two of them did this! |
Make note of this, Hollywood. Any movie with a title like "Giant Great Tits vs Zombies" is sure to be a success.
Now for something completely different...
4: The Grey Jay
Perisoreus canadensis
 |
| Not me. I probably have a photo of me feeding Grey Jays somewhere, but I'm too lazy to go looking for it. |
What else can I say? The Grey Jay is just one of those things that make me glad to live in Canada.
Casuarius sp.
Corvus sp.
 |
| "Nevermore." |
Gypaetus barbatus
The Lammergeier resembles something designed for a fantasy film, right down to it's diet. It lives almost entirely on bones, which it breaks into fist-sized chunks that are dissolved in stomach juices as strong as an acid bath! Just watch this video:
Saturday 8 December 2012
Keep the Chill in Christmas
"Keep Christ in Christmas!" You will probably be hearing a lot of Christians say that this time of year. I'd like to take this opportunity to tell the world I will not be one of them.
Now first off: I don't have a problem with people celebrating Christ's birth on Christmas or any day of the year. Celebrate it every day if you like. I'm totally with you. And if this season gets people thinking about spiritual things, that's great.
But does it have to be a moral obligation to celebrate on this day? Would Jesus actually care about these "Christian" holidays that actually didn't exist until many generations after his time with us? Is Christianity really about celebrating holidays?
I think I can confidently say that the answer to all these above questions is "No".
The fact is, this holiday season means different things to all of us, but it is first and foremost a time of peace, so let's just be chill! Keep the Chill in Christmas!
May all of us, be we Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Agnostic, or Atheist find peace in this holiday season.
And without further ado, here's a cheerful picture to get us all in the mood:
Peace on earth and good will to men and tyrannosaurids.
Now first off: I don't have a problem with people celebrating Christ's birth on Christmas or any day of the year. Celebrate it every day if you like. I'm totally with you. And if this season gets people thinking about spiritual things, that's great.
But does it have to be a moral obligation to celebrate on this day? Would Jesus actually care about these "Christian" holidays that actually didn't exist until many generations after his time with us? Is Christianity really about celebrating holidays?
I think I can confidently say that the answer to all these above questions is "No".
The fact is, this holiday season means different things to all of us, but it is first and foremost a time of peace, so let's just be chill! Keep the Chill in Christmas!
May all of us, be we Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Agnostic, or Atheist find peace in this holiday season.
And without further ado, here's a cheerful picture to get us all in the mood:
Saturday 27 October 2012
Somewhat unfair Van Helsing review
I recently saw the first 20 or so minutes of Van Helsing. And I was disappointed.
I was at the video store, and they were out of Jurassic Park
And I tried to enjoy it. Honest.Now first off; there definitely are some things I like about this movie: As I said, I do like the concept. And the black and white opening with Frankenstein put a smile on my face that lasted up until Dracula showed up (more on that later). Actually, Frankenstein’s monster was the best part of the movie that I saw. I love his steampunk design. Actually I loved all the steampunk stuff. I really want that crossbow!
Another thing I liked was the werewolf. That is one kickass creature design!
But the negatives overwhelm the positives: I really dislike the portrayal of Mr. Hyde. Why do they always have to make him big and monstrous? The character in Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel was a much more subtle and powerful character, but since he’s only in the movie for a few minutes; I guess there really isn’t much time to explore him. Still, the whole sequence seemed like a rip-off of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Volume One.
Oh, and what was up with the cigars? He leaves a cigar at the scene of his crime? At first I thought it was a broken stick and I was like “Oh, cool! A reference to the book!” (Remember how in the book he leaves a broken stick at the scene of Sir Danvers Carew’s murder?) But, no. It was a cigar. Now there’s nothing unusual about a Victorian Englishmen smoking cigars, but he even eats a cigar at one point! Is there some significance to this that I’m missing, or am I just over-thinking it?
But the worst part of this movie is the vampires. Oh, the vampires. If not for the existence of Twilight, this would be the worst portrayal of vampires I have ever seen. Their costumes are lame, their acting is lame, their designs are lame... Actually the lame costumes go for much of the cast. They look like cheap Halloween costumes. Dracula even has a cheap Halloween accent. I can honestly say this is the worst portrayal of Dracula I have ever seen. It’s like Richard Roxburgh was paying so much attention to his phony accent that he forgot to be scary. The vampires in Bram Stoker’s original novel are intimidating in a more subtle slip-into-your-room-like-a-shadow sort of way, not in a swoop-down-and-grab-cows kind of way. There is nothing subtle about these vampires, and as a result; they’re not very intimidating. They’re just so over the top that they’re goofy. Even the feral screeching/cackling noises they make in their “true forms” are lame! I could do better noises than that, and I'm not even getting paid for crying out loud!
Actually, I’m annoyed by the fact that this movie is even called Van Helsing. If you give a movie the name of a classic literary character, the movie had better be about that character. Otherwise you’re only going to cause confusion. If you made a movie called Sherlock Holmes that had nothing to do with the character we all know, everyone would cry fowl. But since Van Helsing is a relatively obscure character, the illiterate people of this generation will always associate the name with this movie, rather than the character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
So, anyway, I’m 20 or so minutes in, and my dad says “is this really worth watching?” and I think “No. No it isn’t.”
So, yeah. Good concept, but poorly executed. Brilliant ideas should be explored by brilliant people. Someone like Tim Burton or Joss Whedon. I think it would be a lot better if there was more respect for the source material, and if the writers delved more into the history and mythology of these characters. It just seems so cheep and thrown together. Since this is a monster movie, I was expecting something a bit cheesy, but more like the tasteful Doctor Who kind of cheesy, not the embarrassing to watch kind. I guess what I was really expecting was one of those ultimate geeky nostalgic crossovers (something like Avengers with monsters) and maybe that was expecting too much.
I don't know. Maybe I’m just being a dork.
I still want that crossbow.
Tuesday 22 May 2012
Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures Part 2
It's time for us to continue our tour of The Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures.
In the last post we met the "Weirdo Goof", Gay Pride Segisaurus, Creepy lizard-faced Deinonychus, and the worst skeletal restoration ever.
In this post, as promised, we meet the Carnosaurs. A.K.A: Every large theropod (Though again, this book is honest about it) represented to you by a retro Spinosaurus. Apparently "an Allosaurus-sized theropod from Niger, Africa."
The first profiled Carnosaur is Allosaurus. Specifically the kindly old granny Allosaur that bakes cookies for the boys when they come back from the hunt.
One Ceratosaurus and an over-weight Dilophosaurus later, we come to the Tyrannosaurids. :D
This is only the second goofiest Tyrannosaur in the book.
Two pages later, we find Daspletosaurus messily devouring the scattered remains of... something.
Next we meet the King Himself:
Um... it appears that Barney killed Baby Bop and then stuck his face in the gutter.
Jump ahead to the prosauropods. Dig the gnarly hands on this Plateosaurus.
Now for the sauropods. Apatosaurus gives Allosaurus two enthusiastic thumbs up!
In the "Hydsilophodont" section, we find a Tenontosaurus that isn't being attacked by Deinonychus! Breaking new ground!
I like the badass look on his face. He's like "Bring it! I've been through it all!"
As we head on to meet the Iguanodontids, we get an unenthusiastic wave from a bored-looking Muttaburrasaurus.
Later on, we see a poor theropod learn the hard way why you never hug Iguanodon. Yeah. Iguanodontids have issues.
Skip way ahead to the Ceratopids. Here's a classic paleoart meme with a twist: A charging Triceratops facing off against a T. rex... who appears to be making the earliest known Trollface.
They don't make'm like that anymore.
Looks like he gets his comeuppance, though.. Sheesh, T. rex. Know when to stop.
At the end of the book is a section about non-dinosaurs. This is where the "Other Prehistoric Creatures" in the title comes in, but it still feels like an after-thought. The section is titled "Dinosaur Contemporaries", which is odd, because it includes Permian animals like Dimetrodon and Lycaenops. o.O
Here's an example of a short-lived but memorable paleoart meme: Germanodactylus hanging bat-like from a tree.
I actually think this is pretty awesome. I can imagine it watching it's prey from this position like a silent gargoyle, and then swooping down like a Mesozoic Batman.
Prey: "Who are you?"
Germanodactylus: "I'm your worst nightmare!"
Speaking of short-lived paleoart memes, here's a more long-lived one. One that refuses to to die even today: Questzalcoatlus scavenging carcasses like a vulture.
Seriously, this myth needs to die. Real Azhdarchids were much more interesting: Giraffe-sized terestrial crane analogues FTW!
On that bomshell, we have come to the end of our tour. It has certainly been an interesting trip through the surreal world of outdated and unintentionally hilarious paleoart. Let us say goodbye to the "Weirdo Goof", Gay Pride Segisaurus, Creepy lizard-faced Deinonychus, Granny Allosaurus, Trollface T. rex, enthusiastic sauropods, badass Tenontosaurus, grouchy Iguanodontids, Bat Germanodactylus, and vulture Quetzalcoatlus. Especially vulture Quetzalcoatlus.
In this post, as promised, we meet the Carnosaurs. A.K.A: Every large theropod (Though again, this book is honest about it) represented to you by a retro Spinosaurus. Apparently "an Allosaurus-sized theropod from Niger, Africa."
The first profiled Carnosaur is Allosaurus. Specifically the kindly old granny Allosaur that bakes cookies for the boys when they come back from the hunt.
One Ceratosaurus and an over-weight Dilophosaurus later, we come to the Tyrannosaurids. :D
Two pages later, we find Daspletosaurus messily devouring the scattered remains of... something.
Next we meet the King Himself:
Jump ahead to the prosauropods. Dig the gnarly hands on this Plateosaurus.
Now for the sauropods. Apatosaurus gives Allosaurus two enthusiastic thumbs up!
In the "Hydsilophodont" section, we find a Tenontosaurus that isn't being attacked by Deinonychus! Breaking new ground!
I like the badass look on his face. He's like "Bring it! I've been through it all!"
As we head on to meet the Iguanodontids, we get an unenthusiastic wave from a bored-looking Muttaburrasaurus.
Later on, we see a poor theropod learn the hard way why you never hug Iguanodon. Yeah. Iguanodontids have issues.
Skip way ahead to the Ceratopids. Here's a classic paleoart meme with a twist: A charging Triceratops facing off against a T. rex... who appears to be making the earliest known Trollface.
Looks like he gets his comeuppance, though.. Sheesh, T. rex. Know when to stop.
At the end of the book is a section about non-dinosaurs. This is where the "Other Prehistoric Creatures" in the title comes in, but it still feels like an after-thought. The section is titled "Dinosaur Contemporaries", which is odd, because it includes Permian animals like Dimetrodon and Lycaenops. o.O
Here's an example of a short-lived but memorable paleoart meme: Germanodactylus hanging bat-like from a tree.
Prey: "Who are you?"
Germanodactylus: "I'm your worst nightmare!"
Speaking of short-lived paleoart memes, here's a more long-lived one. One that refuses to to die even today: Questzalcoatlus scavenging carcasses like a vulture.
On that bomshell, we have come to the end of our tour. It has certainly been an interesting trip through the surreal world of outdated and unintentionally hilarious paleoart. Let us say goodbye to the "Weirdo Goof", Gay Pride Segisaurus, Creepy lizard-faced Deinonychus, Granny Allosaurus, Trollface T. rex, enthusiastic sauropods, badass Tenontosaurus, grouchy Iguanodontids, Bat Germanodactylus, and vulture Quetzalcoatlus. Especially vulture Quetzalcoatlus.
Monday 21 May 2012
Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures Part 1
Today I will be reviewing a book called The Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures. Published in 2000, this volume is a treasure trove of outdated and unintentionally hilarious paleoart. There is really too many to list all of them, but I have narrowed it down to a few highlights. This should still take a few posts. Please excuse bad quality.
Let's start with the cover. I love how it looks like Parasaurolophus was just nicely posing for the picture, and T. rex just stuck his face in the frame.
T. rex is a major troll, as we will see later.
On the second title page we are greeted by a jolly-looking Brachiosaurus who seems totally cool with being the first of many dinosaurs to get stuck in the gutter.
The first group of dinosaurs we meet are the Coelurosaurs, a group that at the time included practically every small theropod "as a matter of convenience". At least this book is honest about it. The Coelurosaurs are oddly represented by an already outdated flippered Compsognathus:
This is one of my favorite outdated theories. I liked it so much, I drew my own version:
The first genus profiled is a more accurate (for the time) Compsognathus. Note the classic "T. rex" hands.
Moving along, we find a creepy, beady-eyed Ornitholestes snacking on a gory hunk of meat.
I have a feeling this picture caused it's fair share of nightmares.
Next we meet the Ornithomimosaurs and Oviraptorosaurs who were considered close relatives at the time.
This picture (below) is undoubtedly one of the worst depictions of Oviraptor I have ever seen. Retro scaley, nose-horned, tail-dragging egg-snatcher:
To make matters worse, the opposite page has some perfectly normal Oviraptor skulls.
Skip ahead to Segisaurus: The official dinosaur of Gay Pride.
On the next page, we find a retro lizard-faced Avimimus chasing a dragonfly. I've noticed a tendency in old paleo-art for small theropods to pick on dragonflies.
The next family of dinosaurs we meet are the "Saurornithoidids" (Now known as Troodontids). Here represented by Dale Russel's infamous "Dinosauroid". A regular character in dinosaur books of the time, who me and my brothers affectionately dubbed the "Weirdo Goof".
Why did the authors of this book think it was a good idea to use ridiculous speculative creatures to represent dinosaur clades? This is the second time!
Edit: Unfortunately the above image was deleted off of ImageShack. Apparently ImageShack is offended by the sheer ridiculousness of this creature.
After that embarrassing introduction to the "Saurornithoidids", we meet the Dromaeosaurids, represented by a pack of Deinonychus doing what they do best: Ganging up on poor Tenontosaurus.
If you go by paleoart memes, you'd think Tenontosaurus existed for the sole purpose of being viciously attacked by packs of Deinonychus. Seriously, it's like his only claim to fame. He's like the Butt Monkey of the Mesozoic.
Then there's this:
D: Really, anything I say will only distract from how chilling this picture is.
Moving on... The first Dromaeosaurid profiled is Velociraptor. Rather an interesting depiction. On the one hand: It's naked. On the other hand: Note they didn't screw up the hand position!
Next we get to know a lizard-faced, bunny-handed Deinonychus who shares a page with a derp-faced Dromaeosaurus who seems to be hiding it's face in shame.
And then there's the worst skeletal restoration ever:
D':
On that note, I'm going to have to end Part 1 of this review. Next up: We meet the Carnosaurs, grouchy Iguanodontids, and "Other Prehistoric Creatures".
Let's start with the cover. I love how it looks like Parasaurolophus was just nicely posing for the picture, and T. rex just stuck his face in the frame.
On the second title page we are greeted by a jolly-looking Brachiosaurus who seems totally cool with being the first of many dinosaurs to get stuck in the gutter.
The first group of dinosaurs we meet are the Coelurosaurs, a group that at the time included practically every small theropod "as a matter of convenience". At least this book is honest about it. The Coelurosaurs are oddly represented by an already outdated flippered Compsognathus:
The first genus profiled is a more accurate (for the time) Compsognathus. Note the classic "T. rex" hands.
Moving along, we find a creepy, beady-eyed Ornitholestes snacking on a gory hunk of meat.
Next we meet the Ornithomimosaurs and Oviraptorosaurs who were considered close relatives at the time.
This picture (below) is undoubtedly one of the worst depictions of Oviraptor I have ever seen. Retro scaley, nose-horned, tail-dragging egg-snatcher:
Skip ahead to Segisaurus: The official dinosaur of Gay Pride.
On the next page, we find a retro lizard-faced Avimimus chasing a dragonfly. I've noticed a tendency in old paleo-art for small theropods to pick on dragonflies.
The next family of dinosaurs we meet are the "Saurornithoidids" (Now known as Troodontids). Here represented by Dale Russel's infamous "Dinosauroid". A regular character in dinosaur books of the time, who me and my brothers affectionately dubbed the "Weirdo Goof".
Edit: Unfortunately the above image was deleted off of ImageShack. Apparently ImageShack is offended by the sheer ridiculousness of this creature.
After that embarrassing introduction to the "Saurornithoidids", we meet the Dromaeosaurids, represented by a pack of Deinonychus doing what they do best: Ganging up on poor Tenontosaurus.
Then there's this:
Moving on... The first Dromaeosaurid profiled is Velociraptor. Rather an interesting depiction. On the one hand: It's naked. On the other hand: Note they didn't screw up the hand position!
Next we get to know a lizard-faced, bunny-handed Deinonychus who shares a page with a derp-faced Dromaeosaurus who seems to be hiding it's face in shame.
And then there's the worst skeletal restoration ever:
On that note, I'm going to have to end Part 1 of this review. Next up: We meet the Carnosaurs, grouchy Iguanodontids, and "Other Prehistoric Creatures".
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