Keep the Chill in Christmas

"Keep Christ in Christmas!" You will probably be hearing a lot of Christians say that this time of year. I'd like to take this opportunity to tell the world I will not be one of them.

Now first off: I don't have a problem with people celebrating Christ's birth on Christmas or any day of the year. Celebrate it every day if you like. I'm totally with you. And if this season gets people thinking about spiritual things, that's great.

But does it have to be a moral obligation to celebrate on this day? Would Jesus actually care about these "Christian" holidays that actually didn't exist until many generations after his time with us? Is Christianity really about celebrating holidays?

I think I can confidently say that the answer to all these above questions is "No".

The fact is, this holiday season means different things to all of us, but it is first and foremost a time of peace, so let's just be chill! Keep the Chill in Christmas!

May all of us, be we Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Agnostic, or Atheist find peace in this holiday season.

And without further ado, here's a cheerful picture to get us all in the mood:

Peace on earth and good will to men and tyrannosaurids.

Somewhat unfair Van Helsing review

I recently saw the first 20 or so minutes of Van Helsing. And I was disappointed.

I was at the video store, and they were out of  Jurassic Park, so I picked up Van Helsing. I'd heard of this movie, and I thought it sounded pretty awesome. It's a crossover of classic monster movies. I've always, kind of liked classic horror, and I love crossovers, so I thought I'd give it a watch. I wasn't expecting anything deep, just a good enjoyable action movie. Something like the Jurassic Park films, or Prince of Persia, or those awesome Marvel superhero movies

 And I tried to enjoy it. Honest.

Now first off; there definitely are some things I like about this movie: As I said, I do like the concept. And the black and white opening with Frankenstein put a smile on my face that lasted up until Dracula showed up (more on that later). Actually, Frankenstein’s monster was the best part of the movie that I saw. I love his steampunk design. Actually I loved all the steampunk stuff. I really want that crossbow!

Another thing I liked was the werewolf. That is one kickass creature design!

But the negatives overwhelm the positives: I really dislike the portrayal of Mr. Hyde. Why do they always have to make him big and monstrous? The character in Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel was a much more subtle and powerful character, but since he’s only in the movie for a few minutes; I guess there really isn’t much time to explore him. Still, the whole sequence seemed like a rip-off of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Volume One.
Oh, and what was up with the cigars? He leaves a cigar at the scene of his crime? At first I thought it was a broken stick and I was like “Oh, cool! A reference to the book!” (Remember how in the book he leaves a broken stick at the scene of  Sir Danvers Carew’s murder?) But, no. It was a cigar. Now there’s nothing unusual about a Victorian Englishmen smoking cigars, but he even eats a cigar at one point! Is there some significance to this that I’m missing, or am I just over-thinking it?

But the worst part of this movie is the vampires. Oh, the vampires. If not for the existence of  Twilight, this would be the worst portrayal of vampires I have ever seen. Their costumes are lame, their acting is lame, their designs are lame... Actually the lame costumes go for much of the cast. They look like cheap Halloween costumes. Dracula even has a cheap Halloween accent. I can honestly say this is the worst portrayal of Dracula I have ever seen. It’s like Richard Roxburgh was paying so much attention to his phony accent that he forgot to be scary. The vampires in Bram Stoker’s original novel are intimidating in a more subtle slip-into-your-room-like-a-shadow sort of way, not in a swoop-down-and-grab-cows kind of way. There is nothing subtle about these vampires, and as a result; they’re not very intimidating. They’re just so over the top that they’re goofy. Even the feral screeching/cackling noises they make in their “true forms” are lame! I could do better noises than that, and I'm not even getting paid for crying out loud!

Actually, I’m annoyed by the fact that this movie is even called Van Helsing. If you give a movie the name of a classic literary character, the movie had better be about that character. Otherwise you’re only going to cause confusion. If you made a movie called Sherlock Holmes that had nothing to do with the character we all know, everyone would cry fowl. But since Van Helsing is a relatively obscure character, the illiterate people of this generation will always associate the name with this movie, rather than the character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

So, anyway, I’m 20 or so minutes in, and my dad says “is this really worth watching?” and I think “No. No it isn’t.”

So, yeah. Good concept, but poorly executed. Brilliant ideas should be explored by brilliant people. Someone like Tim Burton or Joss Whedon. I think it would be a lot better if there was more respect for the source material, and if the writers delved more into the history and mythology of these characters. It just seems so cheep and thrown together. Since this is a monster movie, I was expecting something a bit cheesy, but more like the tasteful Doctor Who kind of cheesy, not the embarrassing to watch kind. I guess what I was really expecting was one of those ultimate geeky nostalgic crossovers (something like Avengers with monsters) and maybe that was expecting too much.

I don't know. Maybe I’m just being a dork.

I still want that crossbow.

Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures Part 2

It's time for us to continue our tour of The Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures. 

In the last post we met the "Weirdo Goof", Gay Pride Segisaurus, Creepy lizard-faced Deinonychus, and the worst skeletal restoration ever.

In this post, as promised, we meet the Carnosaurs. A.K.A: Every large theropod (Though again, this book is honest about it) represented to you by a retro Spinosaurus. Apparently "an Allosaurus-sized theropod from Niger, Africa."

The first profiled Carnosaur is Allosaurus. Specifically the kindly old granny Allosaur that bakes cookies for the boys when they come back from the hunt.

One Ceratosaurus and an over-weight Dilophosaurus later, we come to the Tyrannosaurids. :D

This is only the second goofiest Tyrannosaur in the book.

Two pages later, we find Daspletosaurus messily devouring the scattered remains of... something.

Next we meet the King Himself:

Um... it appears that Barney killed Baby Bop and then stuck his face in the gutter.

Jump ahead to the prosauropods. Dig the gnarly hands on this Plateosaurus.

Now for the sauropods. Apatosaurus gives Allosaurus two enthusiastic thumbs up!

In the "Hydsilophodont" section, we find a Tenontosaurus that isn't being attacked by Deinonychus! Breaking new ground!

I like the badass look on his face. He's like "Bring it! I've been through it all!"

As we head on to meet the Iguanodontids, we get an unenthusiastic wave from a bored-looking Muttaburrasaurus.

Later on, we see a poor theropod learn the hard way why you never hug Iguanodon. Yeah. Iguanodontids have issues.

Skip way ahead to the Ceratopids. Here's a classic paleoart meme with a twist: A charging Triceratops facing off against a T. rex... who appears to be making the earliest known Trollface.

They don't make'm like that anymore.

Looks like he gets his comeuppance, though.. Sheesh, T. rex. Know when to stop.

At the end of the book is a section about non-dinosaurs. This is where the "Other Prehistoric Creatures" in the title comes in, but it still feels like an after-thought. The section is titled "Dinosaur Contemporaries", which is odd, because it includes Permian animals like Dimetrodon and Lycaenops. o.O

Here's an example of a short-lived but memorable paleoart meme: Germanodactylus hanging bat-like from a tree.

I actually think this is pretty awesome. I can imagine it watching it's prey from this position like a silent gargoyle, and then swooping down like a Mesozoic Batman.
Prey: "Who are you?"
Germanodactylus: "I'm your worst nightmare!"

Speaking of short-lived paleoart memes, here's a more long-lived one. One that refuses to to die even today: Questzalcoatlus scavenging carcasses like a vulture.

Seriously, this myth needs to die. Real Azhdarchids were much more interesting: Giraffe-sized terestrial crane analogues FTW!

On that bomshell, we have come to the end of our tour. It has certainly been an interesting trip through the surreal world of outdated and unintentionally hilarious paleoart. Let us say goodbye to the "Weirdo Goof", Gay Pride Segisaurus, Creepy lizard-faced Deinonychus, Granny Allosaurus, Trollface T. rex, enthusiastic sauropods, badass Tenontosaurus, grouchy Iguanodontids, Bat Germanodactylus, and vulture Quetzalcoatlus. Especially vulture Quetzalcoatlus.

Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures Part 1

Today I will be reviewing a book called The Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Creatures. Published in 2000, this volume is a treasure trove of outdated and unintentionally hilarious paleoart. There is really too many to list all of them, but I have narrowed it down to a few highlights. This should still take a few posts. Please excuse bad quality.

Let's start with the cover. I love how it looks like Parasaurolophus was just nicely posing for the picture, and T. rex just stuck his face in the frame.

 T. rex is a major troll, as we will see later.

On the second title page we are greeted by a jolly-looking Brachiosaurus who seems totally cool with being the first of many dinosaurs to get stuck in the gutter.

The first group of dinosaurs we meet are the Coelurosaurs, a group that at the time included practically every small theropod "as a matter of convenience". At least this book is honest about it. The Coelurosaurs are oddly represented by an already outdated flippered Compsognathus:

This is one of my favorite outdated theories. I liked it so much, I drew my own version:

The first genus profiled is a more accurate (for the time) Compsognathus. Note the classic "T. rex" hands.

Moving along, we find a creepy, beady-eyed Ornitholestes snacking on a gory hunk of meat.

I have a feeling this picture caused it's fair share of nightmares.

Next we meet the Ornithomimosaurs and Oviraptorosaurs who were considered close relatives at the time.

This picture (below) is undoubtedly one of the worst depictions of Oviraptor I have ever seen. Retro scaley, nose-horned, tail-dragging egg-snatcher:

To make matters worse, the opposite page has some perfectly normal Oviraptor skulls.

Skip ahead to Segisaurus: The official dinosaur of Gay Pride.

On the next page, we find a retro lizard-faced Avimimus chasing a dragonfly. I've noticed a tendency in old paleo-art  for small theropods to pick on dragonflies.

The next family of dinosaurs we meet are the "Saurornithoidids" (Now known as Troodontids). Here represented by Dale Russel's infamous "Dinosauroid". A regular character in dinosaur books of the time, who me and my brothers affectionately dubbed the "Weirdo Goof".

Why did the authors of this book think it was a good idea to use ridiculous speculative creatures to represent dinosaur clades? This is the second time!

Edit: Unfortunately the above image was deleted off of ImageShack. Apparently ImageShack is offended by the sheer ridiculousness of this creature.

After that embarrassing introduction to the "Saurornithoidids", we meet the Dromaeosaurids, represented by a pack of  Deinonychus doing what they do best: Ganging up on poor Tenontosaurus.

 If you go by paleoart memes, you'd think Tenontosaurus existed for the sole purpose of being viciously attacked by packs of Deinonychus. Seriously, it's like his only claim to fame. He's like the Butt Monkey of the Mesozoic.

Then there's this:

D: Really, anything I say will only distract from how chilling this picture is.

Moving on... The first Dromaeosaurid profiled is Velociraptor. Rather an interesting depiction. On the one hand: It's naked. On the other hand: Note they didn't screw up the hand position!

Next we get to know a lizard-faced, bunny-handed Deinonychus who shares a page with a derp-faced Dromaeosaurus who seems to be hiding it's face in shame.

And then there's the worst skeletal restoration ever:

D':

On that note, I'm going to have to end Part 1 of this review. Next up: We meet the Carnosaurs, grouchy Iguanodontids, and "Other Prehistoric Creatures".

An Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and other Prehistoric Creatures

Book review time: I happen to own a copy of an interesting book called "An Illustrated Directory of Dinosaurs and other Prehistoric Creatures". This obscure volume boasts some of the worst pale-art I have ever seen.

Let us start with the cover:

First post.

Well, here's my first blog post. Nothing to say yet. I have a lot of old dinosaur books with weird paleo-art that would be fun to review.